Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 2 stars (didn’t like it)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an action-packed snooze fest with so much expository dialogue that, after awhile, starts to feel more like suppository dialogue. It is clear that the writers and director (Michael Bay, whose directorial credits include Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and Bad Boys II) did not strive for a movie that stands on its plot but rather a movie that tries to pack as much action clichés, sex appeal, and robot scrotum jokes as one can in 2 hours.

Actually, the movie comes in at 142 minutes long, which is fairly long for an action picture. There is nothing wrong with a long movie – if it’s good. But sitting through 142 minutes of Transformers 2 was a feat of will and determination. It was unnecessarily long. There were entire scenes that could have (and should have) been removed and none would be the wiser. But that would have ruined Michael Bay’s desire to throw as many action sequences on the screen as is humanly possible.

There is a scene in which the heroes of the movie are driving through a desert in Egypt when out of the blue appear 3 cop cars, which are merely thrown in so Michael Bay can check “Car Chase” from his list of recycled action plots. The chase lasts roughly 10 seconds and in that 10 seconds we see the cars drive through a crowded alley Jason Bourne-style and ram through a fruit stand. Yes, a fruit stand. I was waiting for the men carrying the window to cross the street at any moment, but that scene must have been left on the cutting room floor.

The fight scenes, and there are a good many of them, are completely incomprehensible. It is impossible to differentiate between Autobots and Decepticons, but it’s even harder to tell how many robots are fighting at any one time because they are a mish-mash of metal, jump cuts, and queasy-cam shots.

The one major action sequence that had me feeling some suspense was during the last big battle of the film. Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox (whose other scenes seem inspired by a Maxim photo shoot) are trying to deliver the Matrix of Leadership (isn’t that a Six Sigma term?) to Optimus Prime and are attempting to hide from the Decepticons who are closing in from all sides. We know the inevitable is coming and they will be found, but Michael Bay slows down long enough for some suspense to build up.

The performances from the human characters are about as good as one can expect. Shia LaBeouf is proving himself to be a formidable action star while Megan Fox is proving herself to be a pair of legs (and, um, another pair of features) on the screen for teenage boys to ogle. The one performance that stands out, however, is by John Turturro. He will surely be nominated for a Razzie for his over-the-top performance of Agent Simmons. But honestly, how could he have salvaged a good performance with lines like “I’m directly beneath the robot’s scrotum.”

I knew going into the movie that I would be expected to make some leaps of logic. After all, it is a movie about giant alien robots. But there are some leaps that I just couldn’t make. One of the first scenes in the movie shows the Autobots and the U.S. Army special ops team, N.E.S.T., hunting down fugitive Decepticons which leads them to the city of Shanghai. After finding the rogue robot, they ensue in a battle that destroys a good chunk of the city and would surely have been captured by some iReporter and posted on CNN. But the writers soon have the gumption to introduce the most tired of characters in all action movies – the disgruntled and power hungry government agent, in this case the new National Security Adviser. He storms N.E.S.T. headquarters demanding to know what happened because he’s having a heck of a time covering the mess up. Richard Nixon couldn’t cover up Watergate and the writers want us to believe that they can cover up giant alien robots destroying part of Shanghai?

Oh, to be able to transform this movie into something more, but I suppose that would require an even bigger leap of logic. One that even the biggest robot scrotum couldn’t make.

 

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 142 Minutes

Starring: Shia LaBeouf (Sam Witwicky); Megan Fox (Mikaela Banes); Josh Duhamel (Capt. Lennox); Tyrese Gibson (Sgt. Epps); John Turturro (Agent Simmons); Ramon Rodriguez (Leo); Kevin Dunn (Ron Witwicky); Julie White (Judy Witwicky); Rainn Wilson (Professor Colan)

Directed by: Michael Bay; written by Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, based on the Hasbro action figures; produced by Don Murphy, Tom DeSanto, Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Ian Bryce. A Paramount Pictures release.

~ by reeltoreel on June 24, 2009.